


Dark Thoughts

by Maggiluisa



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Dark Thoughts, Depression, F/M, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-10
Updated: 2016-05-10
Packaged: 2018-06-07 12:49:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6805234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maggiluisa/pseuds/Maggiluisa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo believe she is nothing. She believes Thorin's cruel words. She wishes to save him but also to die.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dark Thoughts

Dark Thoughts

He doesn't want me, why would he. I'm nothing! He's said it before, he constantly tells me. I'm nothing! Why do I come back. He doesn't want me. I'm useless burden. I just get in the way, can't even start a fire. The pathetic halfling. I always put them in danger. I should just get out of the way. Death! Yes, death would be so much better. But no, not yet but death eventually. I'm nothing! He wouldn't want nothing, when he could have something so much better. Nothing that's what I am. Fat hobbit not worth saving. I try to get out of the way but it seems I walk the wrong way and there he is, Mister perfect Dwarf King. With his beautiful eyes glaring at me. 

Seem I can't apologize enough times, I'm always in the way. I eat too much! Don't pull my wait! Lazy hobbit. I should have let the trolls eat me. The orcs that would be perfect! No! The Dragon! Yes, the Dragon is perfect! I'll make sure Thorin gets his Kingdom back and I'll see if I can find a weakness then have the Dragon kill me. It's better then having the Majestic King throw me out. Death by Dragon! What can be more perfect. Live long enough for the Dragon, it can roast me, incinerate me, that's better. They are better off without me here, better then Thorin ridiculing me, taunting me, making me see that I'm nothing! Nothing! Just a pathetic worthless halfling! Not worth to breathe his air! 

At least he will have his kingdom back, that's all I can do. That's all I'm good for. He is King, he's worth so much more then some little hobbit in the Shire. The dragon will be better but maybe i will die protecting him. Saving the one I love. How is it that one can love someone at first glance. Someone that hates you, despises you, resent having you around. No wonder he thinks I'm pathetic hobbit, falling in love with him, in such a short time. Pathetic halfling, falling in love with a great warrior Dwarf King. soon I'll be gone! They won't remember me anyway. They pretend to be friends, they make fun of me! They protecting me but it's only because they pity me. Why would they care! I'm nothing! Nothing but a waste of space.

I sit by the fire, I was allowed at least, just to be by the fire. I tried to gather all the wood I could but it was hard. it isn't like I have muscles like them. I can't carry twice my weight like them. But at least I was allowed to sit by the fire. They have many layers, leather and furs. I don't have any of that, I'm very cold most nights. I try not to complain. I try not to think of my home. I miss Bag End. I missed my armchair and books. They never looked at me with hate. At home I was something, here I am nothing. Would I change it. If I had a choice go back home and not have know the King. I must be a masochist for pain. I would choose Thorin. To live in a world where I didn't know him wouldn't be living. So I will die for him.

They don't let me keep watch, why would they the pathetic halfling would get them killed in their sleep. The ground is cold the wind had picked up. I shake in my blanket. If only I had a dagger just to cut myself, feel some pain but I shouldn't that will attract the wargs. No wonder they don't want me near them, I stupid hobbit. Sleep finally finds me. Dreaming of Thorin leaving me behind or Thorin completely ignoring me. I'm nothing! Nothing but a disappointment. I hardly sleep. We run and run. I fall and fail. I'm nothing! I don't belong with them, with him. I'm not part of the company. He said it, he's right I don't belong here with them. I should have let go sooner. I don't belong with them, I'm nothing. Nothing but a burden. A frail hobbit that doesn't belong, I'm not wanted by the hobbits at home. I'm not wanted by the dwarves. Why should I keep going, I wanted to stay alive until the Dragon but maybe it's better I die now. So much sooner.

The goblins are horrible, they take my dwarrows. Well they aren't mine, as I'm not theirs. I'm nothing. No one's. I wish I was someone's. They are not mine. They are gone. I was left behind. I will never belong or become welcome to them, to him. I don't wish them gone. They leave me. They will always leave me. I am nothing. I should have let the monster eat me. I found something, something small, a gold ring. It gives me strength. I should had just gone home. He doesn't care if I die. He wants me gone. He doesn't want me he never did. He is a great king. I'm nothing. I tell him I came back to give him his home back. That's all I'm good for. I'll live long enough to get him his Kingdom. The monster are after us again. I'm so slow. I'm left behind again. I don't belong. 

I can't let him die. I can not live in a world without Thorin Oakenshield. He is a great King, his people need him. He must live. This is perfect I can save him. Sacrifice my life for his. He must continue. I run towards the monsters that wish to kill my light. I will kill them all. I'm nothing! He is something great and powerful. I kill the orc. The filth that dared. The warg is next. I must protect Thorin. He must live. I will die protecting him. My love and only one I will ever love. He must survive. The white warg comes near me. Azog looks at him. I need to kill him. He wants to kill my light and heart. He will never rest. He must die. I throw myself at him. He is surprised. I have no fear of death. I don't care if I die. Thorin needed to live. My small sword goes thru him easily. I bring it out and back in again and again until the eagles take me away.

He is hurt but alive. I'm happy. Azog is gone. He will no longer hunt Thorin. He is angry. I'm nothing. Useless hobbit. A burden. I look down. He is right but I don't care. He is alive. That's all that matters he lives and soon I will die. Very soon. He may want to kill me. He is so close. Will he crush me. He said he was wrong. He isn't. I'm nothing. He knows that they all do. He want me to lie to him. Make me think otherwise then laugh because I believed him. He will mock me. Laugh and kick. I'm nothing and I will always be. I'll not say a thing. Never believe him. He wished to see if I fall for his tricks. 

He is nice, what does he want I have given as much as I can. I saved his life. He is so close. I will give more. He need his kingdom, his home. I will give him that. I'm nothing but his slave if the Dragon doesn't kill me maybe he will let me serve him as his own personal slave. Yes that would be perfect be by his side until death. Serving him. But that would be too kind. I'm nothing! I don't deserve that. He would want another to serve him he doesn't want to come home to see me, the useless halfling. Death is better much better. He comes to me. He touches me. I'm nothing. He knows this as I do. I say nothing as he takes what he wants. This is kindness I don't deserve. He speaks thing I don't understand. His secret language. He is insulting me in his language. I'm nothing but his whore. I let him take. I am nothing. 

The bear is scary but he is kind. I eat all I can. I'm so hungry. They look at me with disgust. Stop eating. You stupid hobbit. I stop eating. They are right I don't deserve to eat. I'm not hungry as before. He still take and claims. He hurts me but what can I do. This is all I'll ever have. He was always unkind, harsh, cruel in every way. He is King. He can have what he wants. He takes. He is always their. Never let's me go. He crushed me to him. I can't breath. He wants to see if he can crush me. So many times I pass out in his arms. I'm am hungry but I don't eat so much. They take my food from me. I'm too fat. I don't need more food. I stop eating all together.

Thorin forced food in my mouth. I shake my head. He said i'll be a burden. I have to eat. So I do. They'll leave me behind. He will leave me behind. I can't be a burden. I eat but not as much as before. I stay away from them. They don't take to me. I'm nothing. They know this. I know this. I am the whore of the King. I don't bleed as before. It stopped. When I stop eating but It hasn't come back. It's better I'm nothing. I don't deserve to bleed. I'm not a woman anymore. He only wants one thing. He gets it when he wants. I love him more. How is that possible. He is kind but it's only a lie. He is King. I am nothing. I feel sick. They don't care. He doesn't care. I'm nothing! 

We escape the elves. I got them out. I did my job. They are angry. They yell at me. Push me into the river. I can't swim. I try to get up but go under. I can't breath. I stop struggling. This is better if I die. I'm nothing. All I see is darkness. I feel pain. Someone slaps me. Shaking me awake. I cough water. Why can't they let me die. I was free. I was going to die. They wish to torture me more. I'm nothing. I don't deserve death. The freedom of bliss. Thorin shakes me again. I'm against his chest. I'm so cold. Shivering. So cold. I can't hear them. So cold. Thorin tells me to stay away. I try too but I can't. It's so hard. I let it take over. Darkness helps take the pain away. 

I'm sick. Really sick. They give me broth and potions for the cold. I stay in bed. Thorin come sees me. I need to get better. I'm a burden. We need to get to the mountain. I need to get inside. The Dragon must die. He needs to die. Soon I will die too. Thorin holds me in bed. I am so cold. I need to get up. I try to push him away but he tightens his hold. He gets angry. I stop. He wants to crush me again. I'm his whore. I can't die yet. I let him do what he wants. He holds me. Braiding his claim in my hair. How can I love him. He is so much more. More than I'll ever be. I'm nothing. He is King. He needs to marry a noble lady. Have heirs. He will not want the one I am carrying. Why tell him. So he can kill it before he's born. No I will leave. Give him his kingdom. I'll try not to die. But if I did it will be okay. A fast death. 

I only tried to save him. He was trying to get himself killed again. I knew this day would come. I would be thrown out. Banished. He never wanted me. I'm nothing. Nothing but a traitor. I'm surprised he didn't kill me himself. He was crushing my throat but stopped. Sending me away. I still need to save him. I wear the ring. I follow him. I kill the orcs that get too close. Blog shows up. He is like Azog. He needs to die. He fights Thorin. I need to kill him. My light must live. He is King. Blog is distracted. Here is my chance. I stab his calves. He falls down. Looking for me. I climb on top stabbing my sword in his chest and anywhere I can see. I keep stabbing. All I see is black blood. Blood. Dead.

I move away as Thorin calls to me. He wants to kill me with his own hand now. It is better. I take off the ring. I let my sword fall. I kneeled before him. Let him kill me. Death is better. I'm nothing. He will kill me anyways. I have betrayed him. Traitor. I don't flinch as he crushes me to his chest. He wants to squeeze the life out of me. His said he was wrong, he is sorry. Why does he lie. It is always the same. He wants me to believe the lies. He doesn't truly want me. I'm just his to use and throw away as always. I am nothing. Nothing. I need to end this. He touches me. Of course he wants to claim. No! Not my stomach. He knows. How does he know. Will he cut him out of me. He carries me away. I'm to tired to fight. Soon I will die. Soon I'll be free. 

=====

“Thorin she is… every time you spoke ill to her, she took it as fact. It does not matter what we tell her. She will not believe us. She still think she is nothing. I never saw it before. The Shire shunned her. When the company treated her as if she was nothing, her depression and self loathing grew. I believe she came to this trip to die. That was her plan. Death. She will bare you your heir. She is your wife but to her she isn't. She isn't well enough to let others near her. Just the company but they must be kind and watch what they say.” said Gandalf.

======  
I ask them why don't they just kill me. Why have I been made a prisoner. They look at me with sad expressions. How can I believe their lies. They lie. I have my son. I save a garden. Thorin visits me but doesn't touch me. Why would be. I'm nothing!


End file.
